8 reasons i'll never make it big

I love this little blog of mine, not going to lie. It's been with me since the beginning of my "adult" life, when I moved out of the house and had to start pretending I could cook. still working on that. It's gone through awkward stage after awkward stage as I experimented with word art ugh and played around with pixelated pictures ughugh and thought I was more clever than I actually was. I guess it was me who was going through the awkward stages huh? And here I was thinking I had left those behind in junior high school...but I guess the fact that I had to ask my little sister if my hair looked like a mullet this weekend proves I'm still in the middle of the awkward struggle. to caroline's credit, she looked at me, burst into laughter, and then tried to choke out a "no...it's doesn't look ENTIRELY like a mullet." 

What was I trying to say? Oh right. I love my blog, but I unfortunately have realized that I will never make it big in the blogging world. Here are the reasons why. Yep, it's list time.

1. I'm a single Mormon. Now, as I've ventured through the blogging land I've noticed a few things. Mormons are everywhere awesome! and so are single women ...cool? However, the Mormons all have children or "hubbies" and the single ladies all hit up the bar/club/wherever-it-is-they-go-to-get-totally-wasted at any and every hour of the day. These two lifestyles are at the heart of all big blogs. The heart of my little blog is somewhere in Montana, eating cheese quesadillas, throbbing for Nicholas Hoult and watching Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron.

2. Along with number 1, I can give you no relationship advice. None. Ever. No "19 Ways to Have a Date Absolutely Every Day" or "42 Tips for the 'Touch The Elbow' Move" or "137 Essentials to Keep The Flame Alive Without Burning Down the House" will ever come from me. However, if you ever find yourself on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? and the question happens to be on Harry Potter trivia, call me immediately.

3. The people who read this blog know me outside of the blog. Let me explain. In the big blogs there will be a quick phrase or comment about how the blog is a secret, how none of their friends know about it and how terrified the writers would be if anyone they actually knew read their blog. #saywhaaaa? My family and friends are the only people who have enough mercy on me to take a glance at this thing every now and then. And bless them for it. love ya guys.

4. I don't do outfits of the day. And yes, that's a thing. With it's own hashtag "#ootd" too. That hashtag is the whole point of some of the big blogs out there. And I...well...basically clothes are the worst part of my day always. I recently went through an entire morning thinking of how pants are my personal Undesirable Number One. (HP reference right there. If you get it, we are new best friends.) Clothes make me feel less free than America before the revolution, so why in the world would I ever take a picture of my outfit? That's like taking a thumbs up picture with the serial killer who's just pulled you into his van.

5. Nicknames. I don't do them here. If I do use a nickname, it's because I actually refer to the person that way in real life. Sure, I gave it a shot a few times but it just felt weird. So I stopped. I mean really? Is this Gossip Girl or something? No. It's not. although i have been told i look like a character on that show so basically i'm a celebrity.

6. Crafts/Cooking/Home Remedies. Come on, we've already acknowledged that everyone who reads this knows me, so you KNOW that these things do not exist in my life. The closest I got was trying that gelatin thing on my face that's supposed to make your pores smaller. It smelled like puke and burned my skin so I stopped all kitchen experiments and am still trying to recover.

7. My life isn't inspiring. If you have ever been inspired by something I wrote at some point in my life, I stand in awe of you and your ability to see depth where there is none. I can think of one, maybe two posts that came from somewhere deep in my soul, but they usually...don't. Other, bigger blogs devote time to helping their readers to reach for their goals, to be brave, and to be better people. I guess I'll give it a shot.

Go ahead. Pin it.

8. I haven't watched any of The Bachelorette this season. Shun me, it's fine.

peace and chicken tacos from that one little place down on center street because holymonoly those things are good

rrw

grandpa? what big teeth you have...

Yesterday I was sitting at work when my phone began to ring. I had an incoming call from an unknown number and because I'm always more curious than worried about that type of stuff, I answered. The following conversation happened.


"Hello?"

"...hi. Is this K...."
(it was muffled so I couldn't hear, but it sounded like Caroline)

"Oh, no, this is her sister, Rachel."

"Oh, Rachel! How's it going? I must have dialed your home number on accident."

"Um, no, this is my cell phone. Ha..."
(I'm uneasy at this point because this person obviously knows me and I have no idea who it is)
oh, and you're welcome for the commentary. continuing on...

(A conversation in which I attempt to explain what is happening even though I have no idea what is happening follows. What stranger knows about me and my sister?! I decided to find out.)

"Um, I'm really sorry but who is this?"

"Oh, Rachel, it's grandpa!"

"...Oh my gosh! Grandpa! I'm so sorry, my speaker must be messed up because your voice sounds so different. Are you feeling ok? Do you have a cold or anything?"

"No, I'm ok. That's interesting though. Well, I'm trying to get ahold of your dad. But obviously have the wrong number. Where can I reach him?"

(I proceed to give him my dad's cell phone number, bantering as only grandfathers and granddaughters do)

"When did all of this change? This is a completely different number than I have for him."

"I don't know what you mean. This is what it's always been grandpa. Maybe you're looking at Uncle Mike's number or something?"

"Mike? Wait...how old are you?"

"Grandpa...hahaha I'm 21! You should know that. Come on grandpa."

(silence)

"Is this the Richardson residence?"

"Um....no...." 
(finally starting to realize something's wrong)

"Oh my goodness. I'm not your grandpa."

"Oh."

The conversation awkwardly ended with me almost saying "love you," because in my head I was still talking to my grandpa. After barely avoiding that and wishing each other a happy life full of pinatas, fairy dust, and everything happy, I hung up and proceeded to collapse against the filing cabinet, laughing so hard I couldn't stay upright.

THE END.


peace and pertussis symptoms
curse you immunizations. i am obviously not immune to you.

rrw


And since it's Tuesday, the worst day of the week in my opinion, let's listen to some music.

why? Q/A of my life

Everyone knows that the first and best way to combat a long day at work is to facebook stalk. But let's get real, the person we stalk the most on facebook is ourselves. Right? Come on, am I right? I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE. PLEASE. Ok, whatever. I'm the only one. But let me tell you, I facebook stalk myself bad. Like, go back through everything I've ever posted, conversations I've had with people, my messages, my likes, my employment and my favorite quotes still working on that one. It's like I have to check to make sure that I'm actually who I am. Occasionally I'm proud to own up to the things I've done on facebook because dang, sometimes you just say something clever and you are proud of it.

Other times you wonder why such things ever made it to facebook. Sure, sometimes you get tagged in a horrendous picture and you know it was put up solely because the person posting it looks like a Brazilian Butt-lift model in it and you have to respect that.

But sometimes it's just all on you.

Today I give you the facebook fails I have brought on myself. Pictures that I look at and just wonder...."why?" Feel free to judge. I certainly am.

Why?

Because nothing says "look how cool I am on my first road trip without parents" like a triple chin, sunburned nose, and hippy headband. #juniortourforlife

Why?

Because it was the first time living on my own and I could. And I mean, if you can look like an orc, go for it.

Why?

Because the "frenchman low ponytail" look was totally in all summer and I'm driving the coolest jeep in the world through bear country. boom.

Why?

I have no idea.

I was a freshman and took pictures of everything. 

no but really, there are 4 albums

Why?

Because the natural thing to do when you go to Mesa Verde is to take a picture that looks like you're trying to eat it.

I hope this post makes you feel better about yourself. And to all my friends and family who endured these times, thank you. Thank you for not abandoning me and for having hope. Just...don't let such things happen again.

peace and ukraine

totes official going there

more later

rrw

that awkward moment when

First off, is that ^^ phrase completely overused and entirely out of date yet? Either way, I'm using it as my title for this post. If it is a thing of the past, then I guess this is just another awkward experience that I can add to the following list of moments from my life that have made me and others stop and do a double take.

*Totally tried on a pair of bright green pants no, that's not the awkward part that I am pretty sure were made for left handed people. I abstained from purchasing them simply because I was not ambidextrous enough to get the zipper up.

*Batted my eyelashes ok, just saying that deserves it's own bullet point but oh well at the attractive cashier at In-n-Out only to sit down with my friends and realize I was probably flirting with a high school student. What IS it with me and the younger guys people?

*Walked into a maintenance closet on campus because I thought it was a bathroom. come on, BYU used the same door for EVERY DOOR. 

*Went to my ward for the first time in a month and a half and everybody thought I was a new girl. The not so awkward and mostly awesome part? Getting to reinvent myself to people that knew me last semester. My name is Rachel. I'm originally an Inuit from Alaska with the dream of designing better igloos for my native people using the recycled glass of Mason jars. (That'll make it big on Pinterest) I also enjoy fish calling in my spare time and occasionally travel to Antarctica to compete in polar bear plunges. I'm attending BYU on a full scholarship and Cecil is my uncle.

*Went to my last 7am cycling class this morning and got worked but in a good way and then was given a Krispy Kreme by someone from the class. Entire workout undone in 7.2 seconds. But oh, the joy. The joy. 

*Almost fell asleep standing at the testing center counter because the woman behind the desk had such. a. soothing. voice. Weird? Yes. That's the point.

*Was hugged by a young man 5 minutes after meeting him for the first time at ward prayer again, everyone thought I was a new girl. I think I stepped on his foot on accident. Sorry, I'm just not very good at hugging.

*Army crawled through the grass, mud, and bushes while trying to sneak a few read 176 photos of a proposal. Stained jeans are totally worth that happiness. #shoutout. #youknowwhoyouare #marriageforever #imsingle #iwonderwhy #especiallyafterthispost #hashtagsforever

*Went shopping in the hopes of finding some cute, new, Spring clothing and walked away with sweaters and jeans. Come on, when Banana Republic says "$3 sweater" you say "yes."

*Sat at T.J. Maxx holding a ceramic teapot for a good 13 minutes trying to convince myself that buying it would make sense, because I could serve milk in it with fresh baked cookies. Or juice in the morning with homemade bread. Or just let it be a center piece on the table because the bright colors are just so dang cute. Or I could use it to water my little seed that decided to sprout, proving that I will be a good wife hey boys hey. again, #imsingle. But then I realized that I don't ever make freshly baked cookies let alone bread. who do you think I am, freakin Martha Stewart?!, that my refrigerator has 0 space for a teapot, and that my little-buddy-seed would drown if I were to water it with a teapot. So I held it for another 6 minutes, saying goodbye and fiercely eyeing anyone who came near it. I will find you again, little teapot.

*The fact that I just talked to a teapot right up there ^^^

peace and prayers for Boston.

rrw